Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
