wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
