I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
