By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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