I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
