i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You made out with two different species that night
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
