just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize