Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
