OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize