So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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