I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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