just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
