Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
