Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
