i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
