Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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