My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
