Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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