How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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