My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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