I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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