I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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