i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
