fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
