maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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