I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Watching her eat just hurts me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
