I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Farmville is her only friend.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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