I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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