I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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