when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
