I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
