Banned from zoo.
Again?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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