And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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