Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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