Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
