What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize