I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
operation have a gay friend backfired
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
