I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
