I wish I could teleport
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Even my vagina gasped.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
