I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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