im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
