I wish you could order shots online.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize