I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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