how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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