just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
