You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
