okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
