seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
