Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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