I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize