The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
