i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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