I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
