An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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