When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
