Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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