thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize