you guys were way drunker than both of me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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