You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
