So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
