The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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