If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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